Harry Potter and the Squib Headmaster
by axarydax
Summary: Terrible things happen at Hogwarts after one particular funeral. A squib is appointed as a headmaster. Sounds impossible, doesn't it? Contains HBP spoilers, Humor.
1. Chapter 1

Harry Potter and the Squib Headmaster

A/N: Hello everybody, I hope you'd like this fic. It is actually a humorous story and it is meant to be silly. I apologize for any grammatical errors in advance. I know my English is not perfect, but I'll work on improving it. But enough of me, here is the first chapter!

Chapter 1

The bad events

The funeral has just ended and everybody was leaving. Harry was very angry at whole world. The oldest man, who he had regarded as his friend had been murdered by one of his greatest enemies. He did not know what did Albus do to deserve death – the greatest punishment. Maybe it was not a punishment at all. Harry remembered that once professor Dumbledore once told him that for an old and experienced mind the death was only another great adventure. So, the most recent Hogwarts headmaster was adventuring now.

Just great, but let's forget about it. Some people have debts to pay. Harry thought and his face twitched in mixture of sadness and malice.

He stood up from the old log where he had been sitting and cursing everybody and everything, summoned his Firebolt and took off.

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After some hours, Hogwarts teachers were gathered in Dumbledore's office, wanting to discuss the current events and running the school. Because there have not been much furniture, they just had to seat themselves in something suitable.

So, every one of them decided to conjure a chair. Minerva McGonagall magicked out a chair that resembled royal throne, with spiky top. Flitwick was just too small to sit on normal chair, so he conjured a baby seat.

"Not too charming for a Charms professor, Filius?", asked Sprout with a smug grin. She herself sat on freshly grown bio-chair, made with a little help with Molarius Herbius spell.

"I'm shaken by the events, dear, so sometime even I might not do everything all right" He replied apologetically, not looking in her eyes.

The others' seats were not much interesting, with the exception of Sybill Trelawney. The old fraud, as many people called her behind her back, did not posses too much of magical powers, so she only managed to conjure a toilet seat. She was embarrassed and quickly vanished it with a flick of her wand, hoping that the others won't notice, especially Minerva.

She turned slightly pink and said: "I'll rather stand, I wanted to stretch my legs anyway."

Sybill had not been on exactly good terms with the Transfiguration professor ever since she started working at this school years ago. But, in exchange, she did not think much of that old hag with a tight combed up bunch of gray hair too. She was only stupid cat, anyway.

"Ladies and gentlewizards, may we begin our discussion?", Minerva asked with a stern expression. She did not want to show her emotions much, she had been very affected with Albus passing away.

"Of course", everybody except Sybill replied.

"So. The first matter to discuss is the new Head of Hogwarts. Who will it be? As a deputy Headmistress, I assume that I might stand a chance."

"So you do, dear Minerva, you have all my support", Flitwick said.

"Yea, professor, who'd be more suitable than you, eh? I dunno if there's 'nybody who'd be better than yeh" Hagrid said with shy smile.

He fancied Minerva ever since he was a little first year at Hogwarts. Well, little might not suit good old Rubeus, as he is a half-giant and in his first year he was already bigger than most of the older students and the old caretaker included.

"Thanks, Rubeus" McGonagall said quietly and smiled seductively at Hagrid. "I might use this dumb oaf, and I should have it realized much sooner. He might help me on my way to power".

Hagrid started to blush, positively dignified by the fact that Minerva smiled at him. I might try and ask her out one day, he planned.

"Minerva is surely good candidate, as she had been the deputy headmistress for a long time", said professor Vectra.

"I must agree, too", blurted out Sinistra, who had been gazing out of the window, blurry eyed.

"So, any further objections?" Minerva asked. With a satisfied smile, she saw that now she was the Headmistress, finally, after many and many years.

At that instant, another painting appeared on the wall. With familiar face in it, pointed wizard hat, sparkling blue eyes and half-moon spectacles.

"Albus!" Minerva cried.

"Ah, Minnie, at last we meet again. I wish you good luck as my successor." Dumbledore said with a twinkle in his eyes. "But excuse me now, I need to rest.".

He turned away in his portrait and walked somewhere.

"Strange, but wise, as usual, our headmaster is" Flitwick said and then stood up, walked around the room.

"So, dear colleagues. I think we should surely open the school next year. We can't afford not to teach. Am I right?" New headmistress wondered, but nobody opposed her.

This is nice, being the boss and everything, she smiled under her nose and told the assembly that the discussion was over tonight.

"The same tomorrow, right?" With that, everybody got up and left. Only bunch of weird magical seats left there.

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Harry was exhausted after the long flight, but finally he had managed to reach his destination.

Number 4, Privet Drive. This long hated house was the first place, where he had things to settle. He flicked his wand and,

"Ding dong", the bell rang.

"Whooo is theeree?", high-pitched voice of aunt Petunia called out.

"Police! Open immediately!" Harry shouted, deepening his voice, grinning madly.

"Oh, my". With that, door opened and Petunia Dursley stood there, wrapped in the towel, wearing nothing but a pink towel with black elephants and ugly green mask. Harry nearly dropped dead in shock, he had never seen his aunt such nasty looking before.

Oh gosh, she has hairy legs! he though and forced himself not to throw up.

"You bastard, why did you pretend to be police! And what are you doing here, anyway? Don't you see that I'm trying to beautify myself?"

"No, should I?" Young wizard grinned, forgetting about his anger. But his new malevolence of Petunia's ugliness was soon replaced with great shock. He saw a familiar figure exiting the toilet of Dursley house.

"Lockhart!" He yelled. "What are YOU doing here!"

"Ah, Harry. Your auntie has told me so much about you, he smiled. Do you know that we two are related?"

"No! And I do not wish to be related anymore to a scum like you! You tried to wipe my memory four years ago, remember? Now, wipe your ass, because you stink and you are ugly, just like that woman! I just wanted to torture and kill Dursleys, but it seems that I'd have to go. I have something to do! Fear me!" With that, he disapparated.

Oh, magic again. I hate that! Petunia thought and she imagined her deceased ex-husband Vernon, who died of infarct. He had hated that magical weirdos possibly more than anybody alive. She missed him, that's true. But Gilderoy is so sweet, even if he is a wizard. Luck that he loves older women.

"Petunia, dear, what is troubling you?" Lockhart asked, reaching out to touch her hand.

"Nothing, Gildy. Just a sad memory, nothing more." With that, she planted a kiss on his cheek, went back to bathroom to take off her beauty mask and shave her legs.

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Harry was really thoroughly pissed now. Not only that he screwed his Dursley revenge, but also did not manage to do anything to them.

I'm weak, he thought. Let's seek some help. But, if I can't manage to do it myself, what a Gryffindor am I? But, the Hat also told me I'd be good in Slytherin, too. Let's have some fun before.

He turned his broomstick towards the Black Manor.

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"Dobby is so much happy to see Mister Harry Potter, sir" the house elf squeaked with delight. "What can Dobby do for you?"

"You surely know some elves, don't you?"

"Of course Dobby does, sir. What does Mister want to do with them?"

"Kill'em all! Avada Kedavra!" Harry roared, a green stream of light hitting the unsuspecting house elf in the left ear.

"AAAAargh!" Dobby screamed!

"Huh?" Harry looked at Dobby, dumbstruck. Why didn't you die?

"Because house elves must be hit directly in the chest, just like this. Avada Kedavra!" A tall man with greasy hair said in cold voice.

"No, idiot!" Harry yelled and performed a counter-spell that hit with man's curse, exploding mere inches in front of horrified elf. "I just wanted to scare him a bit, you know."

"Oh really, using Unforgivables, Potter? Pathetic, as usual. Come with me." With that, he cast a body-binding spell on poor Harry who only now realized who was the newcomer.

"Snape! You git! What are you ..."

"Silencio!"

After that, Severus flicked his wand again, saying "Reducto" and kept minimizing Harry until he was small enough to fit in his robe pocket. He inserted the Boy Who Lived there and walked into flames, flooing away, shouting "Malfoy Manor" and then whistling some muggle tune.

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When he got out of the flames, he cast a quick glance at Voldemort, who was sitting in a comfortable armchair, reading Hogwarts: A History.

"My Lordship, I have Potter here." Snape said.

"Great! Put him down!"

With that, Potions teacher took out protesting Harry and restored him to his original size.

"Potter. We finally meet again. And nothing will stand in my evil plan now! Here, drink this." Dark Lord said, forcing small vial into boy's mouth.

Harry tried hard not to swallow that potion. He was sure it was some kind of poison, but it felt oddly sweet. Like condensed milk. But who knows, with a Potions Master on his side, Voldie was capable of making even salty chocolate potion.

Then, his head started to spin and his scar began to hurt. The pain gradually rose and rose and rose until he fainted.

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A/N: Please be so kind and review when you got even here. Tell me what you think? Should I continue? Thanks!


	2. Waking up

Chapter 2

The elections

Minerva just woke up. Was it just a dream? She thought she remembered that she was appointed new Hogwarts Headmistress. But with the sunshine, enlightening her mind the realization came.

"Oh nooo," she thought. "Such perfect headmistress election and it did not even take place. What a pity".

With that, she got up from her bed and headed to the tiny bathroom, that was in her quarters, too, to wash herself.

"Then, the teacher's meeting takes place today..." another thought crossed her mind. After getting prepared for another busy day, she fetched her pointed hat, put it on her head and opened the door, wanting to leave. In the door frame she saw a giant figure standing. Giant, but somewhat looking shrunk too.

"Rubeus! Good morning. What are you doing here?" she greeted him, at first looking a bit stern, but in no time she managed to produce charming smile.

"Eh, hey, professor. Just wanted to greet yeh." Hagrid said with a shy smile. "And also to ask you something, y'know."

"Well, you can ask your question on our way to the Great Hall, can't you?"

"'fcourse, let us come then."

When they turned around the corner and waited for the stairs to come up to them, the half-giant looked a bit uneasy.

"Erm, Minerva, what are yeh doing tonite?" he blushed a bit after asking it, looking at his feet.

"I don't know yet, why?"

"Just thought yeh'd like to come with me to a jug of good butterbeer to the Hog's Head, nothing more, really."

"Why not?"

The stairs have just arrived. Minerva took the first step. But, alas, Rubeus was not paying attention much, because he stepped on the thin air, almost falling out to nothingness.

"Hey!" Minerva quickly withdrew her wand and magically made him to sit down. "Don't you look where you walk? How are we supposed to get to the pub this evening if you damage yourself?" she added with a grin.

After arriving to the Great Hall and taking a quick breakfast, the Hogwarts professors started discussing at the table, when exactly would they vote for a new headmaster.

But then Minerva said: "As far as I know, I'm the deputy headmistress here, so I don't think there is need for election."

"Minnie, I know that you know that there is unwritten rule that deputies become headmasters when the old headmasters are gone, but the Ministry rule is, that the teachers must elect one of them for this position." Filius Flitwick said with a serious expression on his small round face.

"All right. So let it be." Minerva replied, not looking very pleased about it. "But surely I'll win", she added in her mind.

Flitwick produced his wand and conjured eight small pieces of parchment.

"Anybody wishing to become the headmaster or headmistress other than professor McGonagall?" he asked, looking around. No one has spoken.

"But I do" he thought, smiling a bit. "I won't let there be another Gryffindor headmaster. Not that I hate them like Slytherins, but enough is enough. It is not for nothing that it is said that Ravenclaws have brilliant minds."

"So." He tapped each parchment with his wand, two names appearing on them. "Sign your candidate and place them on one heap afterwards, please".

Every one looked inside the paper and started to think.

Minerva was silently fuming. "Oh my, Filius wants to challenge me? How dare him!" With that, she checked her name with neat golden X and packed the parchment into one fourth of its original size. Seeing as no one has finished voting, she placed her vote in the middle of the table, straightened herself and started to make a hole into Filius with her gaze.

Horace Slughorn did nothing exceptional, just checked McGonagall. "What are unwritten rules good for, if not for abiding them?" Slytherin, as he was, but he was also a good man too.

As did him, did the professors Sprout, Sinistra, Vectra and, of course, Hagrid.

The Divination teacher did nothing for a while, just staring with her inner eye. It did not bring much success, as it was very blurred. Maybe drinking Wizard Whiskey was not good for Seers.

Just when she was about to place a X next to Minerva's name, a vision struck her.

"Something horrible will happed here. Series of unfortunate events will take place, and no one will be able to avoid them." She said with mysteriously deepened voice.

"Again, again, Sybill? Trying to be interesting? Why did you not apply for the headmastership? Your great skills would surely prove useful." Minerva said with mocking tone, intentionally prolonging the 'great' word.

Flitwick voted for himself, as would everyone expect.

When they counted the votes, it was clear that Minerva McGonagall will become the new Headmistress.

* * *

Harry just woke up. Was it just a dream? He remembered being kidnapped by Snape and after that being minimized and put into the greasy-haired teacher's robe pocket. But then his head and especially his scar began to hurt.

"Look, look, a sleeping beauty just woke up. Had sweet dreams, dear?" a mocking voice said, Harry recognizing it at once.

"Voldemort! So it was not a nightmare"

"Yes, it's me, I-know-who" the Dark Lord said and chuckled. "No need to say my name aloud, Scarhead."

"What do you want from me? Let me go!" Harry started looking around the small room he was in. It had heavy oak door that was half-opened and old-style windows.

"I want to kill you. Do you think I'll let you away so easily?" Voldemort asked, looking angry.

Harry sat up, then stood up. He touched the floor with his left leg at first.

"Bad luck for today" he thought.

He started running away, but Voldemort magically locked the door, so he could do nothing.

"Now, now. Where do you want to go now?" the dark wizard asked with a malicious smirk.

"I want to get out!" Harry yelled and began to run to the window, but looking behind, at his greatest enemy. His fourth step was really unlucky. He buried his leg onto something soft, that happily cracked under his weight, like a rotten old log in Gryffindor common room fireplace.

"Oops." he blurted, seeing that he has standing on a snake's body, that went immediately rigid. "Surely its neck is broken and Voldie will kill me". He started to bid farewell to his life, but Voldemort interrupted him, screaming louder that aunt Petunia did when Harry broke her Chinese porcelain.

"Nagini! My dear Nagini! You prat! Look what you did! You destroyed my another horcrux! You are such a fool, Potter, I hate you now even more that is possible! Get out of my sight and never meet me again!" The Dark Lord yelled at top of his lungs, shaking with rage.

With that, he cast Imperius on Harry, making him disapparate thousand miles away.

A/N: I hope you liked this chapter. I promise you'll get to know who the Squib Headmaster will be in next chapters. Please review!


	3. The curses

**Chapter 3**

**The curses**

* * *

Voldemort was very angry. He has been raging in his manor for at least two hours now, demolishing half of the furniture. 

"That idiot! He has destroyed my immortality by one seventh!" He thought, smashing another chair. It was interesting that destroying things calmed him down. "I need to kill someone. And maybe not only one person. And I do still control that young prat Potter". Wicked grin spread on his face.

* * *

Harry was feeling happy, complying to the rules his Master gave him made him happy. 

"Get to Hogwarts" a voice told him, using the mental link that is created by Imperius curse.

So he did. Harry apparated to the wizard school's front gate.

"How am I supposed to enter?" he asked himself. The voice immediately gave him the desired reply. "Just levitate over it!"

Voldemort, sitting 's expression in his comfortable armchair near the fireplace turned even nastier with disgust. "Oh, the today's youth. Good for nothing!"and he spat into the merrily cracking fire.

* * *

In the Great Hall, elections have just finished. The only thing left for Minerva to do was to write the Ministry about her becoming the headmistress and to talk to the Sorting Hat. The Hat did remember most of the history of this school, it was created by the Founders. Another rule was that each new headmaster had to be approved by this old hat. 

They went to Dumbledore's office to get this done. Nobody spoke a word on their way, just Hagrid was caressing Minerva with gentle looks. She did not feel it, though.

"Ok, you old ragged piece of cloth, don't you try to not oppose me!" professor McGonagall thought as she grabbed the ancient hat by its tip and then she put it on her head.

"I have heard it, dear!" a voice spoken into his ear. "But do not be afraid. I don't want to destroy your happy moments..."

"So, what do you want to ask me, Hat?" the Transfiguration teacher asked impatiently. She wanted to take over this office and transform it to the way she'd like it.

"Just a few questions. I still remember when you first wore me, you were only a little girl then, tens of years ago. What I saw in you way that you are brave and fair. But you did also want power, but that was quite unknown to you in those times. A bit of Slytherin in you. That bit wants to become the Headmistress?" the Sorting Hat said, then laughed. "Let it be".

"Minerva McGonagall is the next Headmistress of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!" The Hat cried to the whole room, for everybody to hear.

* * *

That was when Harry finally got into the school. He heard some high-pitched voice shouting something about Hogwarts. He was no longer controlled by himself, his Master overtook him and Harry was his extended eyes, ears and hands, too. 

He ran up the staircase, heading to the ex-headmaster's study. When he got there, he blew off the guarding gargoyle with some unexplainable magical powered that just burst out of him. He ran up the spiral staircase and kicked the door opened. What he saw, very pleased him. Or, better to tell, it pleased Voldemort, because he was the man in charge at the moment.

"Revenge is sweat! Death to all Hogwarts teachers!" he yelled and started throwing one curse after another. "Avada Kedavra! Petrificus Totalus! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra!"

* * *

After few minutes, there was a heap of bodies lying down on the ground. Everybody was dead. That was when the Dark Lord decided he had enough of fun and lifted the controlling curse from Harry. 

Then he went to bed, took his magical stuffed green snake, laid down and with happy expression on his ugly face he fell asleep.

* * *

Harry felt like he had been thrown into icy water. He suddenly became aware of his surroundings and a horrible image came to his mind. 

"Nooo! This could not be true!" he screamed and run towards the rigid bodies.

"Who is it?" The Sorting Hat asked? "I heard many killing curses, I did not know that anybody survived!"

"I am Harry Potter. What happened? Don't tell me... I... I...I killed them?" He asked, not wanting to believe it.

"So no Headmaster now. There is another rule. When there is no deputy, the oldest person in service of Hogwarts will become the boss.Can you tell me who it is?"

* * *

A/N: Well, dear readers, you get to know it in next chapter. Please review! Thanks. 


	4. The Revelation

Harry Potter and the Squib Headmaster

Chapter 4

The Revelation

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"Who?" asked Harry, looking quite dumb. "I don't know if there is even one employee of Hogwarts."

"Of course there is," the Sorting Hat said. "And you surely know him well."

--

_Few minutes earlier:_

Argus Filch was walking down the corridor, wanting to avoid everyone. His cat, Mrs. Norris, was following him, sometimes using shortcuts on their way down to the Great Hall.

"Say, my dear, we are going to punish some students badly, aren't we, when the new school year begins?" he asked the creature he most cared for.

Mrs. Norris purred and stretched her back. She liked this human much. He cared well for her ever since she could remember. And the magical cats have exceptionally good memory. Argus has bought her when he was ten years old, one year before he hoped that the Hogwarts letter will arrive. It did not.

--

Harry was deeply in his thoughts. "You stupid Hat, can't you simply tell me who is this mysterious teacher? Because I don't know, every one I know dropped dead here, in this very room.

"Did I ever say it must be necessarily a teacher? As far as I remember, I have said that it is the person that is in the services of Hogwarts for the longest time. And that is, in current circumstances, the caretaker."

--

A/N: Forgive me for writing such short chapter, the next ones will be quite longer. Please review, thanks.


	5. A squib?

A/N: I don't own Harry Potter.

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Harry Potter and the Squib headmaster

Chapter 5

A squib?

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"A squib?" exclaimed Harry, looking like he had been just told that one and one equals ten.

"Why not?" the Hat replied. "There has actually been one squib headmaster before. And he did not ruin the school or do anything wrong. I tell you before you ask, I know how your mind works."

"But…" Harry protested, but was silenced by the Hat, which jumped from the three-legged stool to smash him in the face.

"No buts! Now get and collect Mr. Filch, to let him know what happened."

"But, it cannot be! He's horrible!"

-Bang- Another bash in the face by the Hat.

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Argus was now in the dungeons, close to the Potions classroom. Thankfully, as it was now the school break in the summer, there were no students to wreak havoc and make a lot of disorder. He hated cleaning up after them, but, unfortunately, it was his job to do so. Thank Merlin there were some students who ended up in detention and he could outsource his job on those poor fellows.

Just as he was about to turn left into next corridor, he heard somebody running quickly down the stairs several floors above. The noisemaker must have been in a hurry, because the sound was audible even in the dungeons.

"Who could it be?" he wondered. Quickly he turned and headed towards the entrance to the ground floor. His cat silently followed him.

Just as he entered the Great Hall, he saw Harry Potter running around. He seemed distracted a lot. Argus did not know at first what was he thinking, he did not usually care about how the students looked like or how their felt.

So he turned to the boy, who froze in place when he saw the caretaker.

"I've been looking for you, Sir," Harry said.

"You! What are you doing here! It's the summer break," then he stopped and laughed. "Ha ha, did you earn a detention to serve, right?"

"No, actually I didn't. You must come to the Headmaster's old office immediately, because something requires you to be there."

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So, after walking up the stairs for a while they eventually got to their destination. When Filch entered the room full of motionless bodies, he just stood there, horrorstruck.

"Who did this to them?" he demanded.

"Err, it was me, actually. But I did not mean to do so!" Harry replied with a sorry look on his face.

A silent "Oh" came from the old caretaker's mouth.

"Ah, you are here, Mr. Filch," said the Sorting Hat. "I have the power to do so, so I use it. I make you the new Headmaster of Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry!"

A/N: See that nice button down there? Hit it and leave a review :-)


	6. Chapter 6

**Harry Potter and the Squib headmaster**

**Chapter 6**

**The meeting**

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Harry stood up and left the room. He knew the Hat was snickering as he was going out.

'Filch?! Why him?' he thought as he was roaming the corridor. 'And now I have to find him, who knows where he is lurking.

That squib is always there when you don't want to bump into him. But now, when I need to get him, I bet I won't be able

to find him...'

--

As Argus was passing around a magical set of armor, it saluted him. That was strange, it had never happened before. He thought

it must be some mischievous student or... 'Peeves!', he shouted. But the tricky poltergeist was nowhere to be found.

As he walked by, another armor bowed to him. And another one. This angered him and he decided to head for the headmaster's office.

When Argus got there, Mrs. Norris was arching her back and her fur was standing. 'What's going on?', he wondered.

Entering the room, he gasped in shock, frozen in horror. Bunch of dead bodies was lying there, with agonizing expressions on their faces.

'Everybody's dead?! How could this happen? What's going to happen next?' This and other stuff crossed his mind.

Then he noticed the Sorting Hat on the table. It sprung up to life and began to sing:

_'Every teacher's dead,_

_You can see that,_

_But now there's no order_

_no one who's older_

_than the students_

_to be the chief_

_to fight the disorder_

_But wait, a caretaker_

_who is alive and well_

_will say to old job farewell_

_Always served Hogwarts _

_but now will do more_

_And now, as all of the teachers_

_lie on the ground, immobile,_

_dead by an evil spellcaster,_

_you, Argus Filch,_

_You're the new headmaster!'_

Hearing that, Argus fainted.

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A/N: Back after long pause from the HP universe...


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